The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Personal question. #JustSaying
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub