A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Every work call, he judges.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth