What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
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Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.