Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Most fashion shows these days…
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Single and childfree like Jesus
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free