My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
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I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.