Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo