Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
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ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
multitasking lunch