I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
boat question
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”