*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
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Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee