Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
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Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Just me and my debit card against the world
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”