[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
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Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Very good news from my accountant
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again