self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.