*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
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Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.