Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.