🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
You Might Also Like
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
It’s actually Dr. whatever
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.