If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
You Might Also Like
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
i think my razor is having a panic attack
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”