Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?