BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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I put the p in pants.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
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The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?