Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
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Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.