i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
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Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back