I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
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me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I think about this a lot
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Ah..makes sense now
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh