You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Friday
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.