Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Knock Knock
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.