Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair