I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
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Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this