ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I drew y’all a little something.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.