8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
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Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
me before I type out affect or effect
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.