You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
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I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over