*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
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I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age