Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
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do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
What
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?