I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
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Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.