“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s