GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
yall want some gasoline milk
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.