[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
You Might Also Like
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I am patiently waiting for your email
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I get distracted pretty eas
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!