My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.