You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
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If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Roses are red, you always mattered,
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.