The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.