SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?