Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
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*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.