Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.