It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
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THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
My blood type is b hungry.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve