The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
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You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
That’s incredible! 👌
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy