A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
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MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My birthstone is kidney
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?