Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
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turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Mornin. * use accordingly
I think about this a lot
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.