Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
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“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.