Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
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I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help