Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me