Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
mariah carrie
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner