A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE