babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”